The balancing act

Eric, Tanner and I all went home the other day to get some things taken care of and to just have a little break from the hospital. It was only my second time going home since Caydence has been born. It felt so good to just be home and feel almost normal. We were able to spend some time with our amazing neighbors who have taken care of our house and animals this whole time we've been gone and we were able to just relax for a while. I even got to see my co-worker Forrest which was really nice because it has been forever since I've seen him. Even though it was great being home, I still felt guilty leaving Caydence. This has been the hardest situation to deal with. It is so hard balancing having a baby in the hospital for so long, having a 3 year old, being married, and being away from home. Even after the 4 1/2 months we've been here, it is still so hard for me to find the right balance. I feel like no matter what I do I'm neglecting someone. I hate not being at the hospital with Caydence but then again I feel horrible for Tanner and making him sit there and not letting him be a normal 3 year old. He has been acting out so much lately and I get so frustrated with him for not listening and just acting like an out of control kid, but really what are you supposed to do. He didn't ask to be in this situation any more than we did and he wants to be home just as much as we do. It was hard to come back here after going home. I was just in a really bad mood all day today, everything was getting to me. It really sucks staying here at Ronald McDonald sometimes because there are so many people around all the time. The kids here are all out of control which explains some of Tanner's behavior. And also coming back was really coming back to reality. We have no idea how much longer we will be here and that makes it really hard. Tonight after dinner though, we got together with a family that we've made friends with (Stephanie, Kade, and Tanner's BFF Wyatt) and also a new family that we've seen around for a while, and we all went to the park and blew up Tanner's bounce house and let all the kids play. The kids had a blast and I think all of us parents did too. It's nice sometimes to kinda get away and hang out with people that understand what you are going through and are going through the same thing. We were all able to just hang out and have a good time together. I wish I would have taken some pictures while we were there because all the boys were so cute together. It was what I needed, I went from having a bad day to just letting it all go and getting in a better mood. It is still just so hard being here, one moment I will be pissed off at Tanner for acting up, then I'll feel bad for getting mad at him, then I'll be sad cuz I just want all this to end, and then I could see Caydence smile at me and be happy. I feel like I'm going to loose my mind with all the different things that go through my head. And to add to it all, I have to go back to work in about a week now. Caydence is on the schedule for Tuesday for her tracheostomy and G-tube. I am pretty nervous about it but also just ready for it to be over with. I just hope we can get home nursing so we can get out of this place and go home!